Was it worth it?

You were a horny young adult

I was a vulnerable four year old child

Was it worth it?

You got to bust a few nuts

I got a lifetime of trauma and scarring

Was it worth it?

Because of you, I learned how to “cup the balls” before I could tie my own shoes

Because of you, I learned how to clean myself and hide evidence that any harm had taken place

Because of you, I am still sometimes terrified of bathrooms at night - and I’m in my 40s

Because of you, I discovered that people cannot be trusted. That men cannot be trusted. That “nice” people lie and live double lives. That all smiles are not real.

I cannot tolerate even gazing at cinnamon rolls because they remind me of how your cum used to look dripping off of my toddler-sized body

I have asphyxiating trust issues that persist to this day

I bristle when I should purr and I hiss when I should hum

As I cannot discern good intentions from bad ones, everything and everyone is suspect

I brandish my paranoia and my sexuality like weapons

Because I will not “get got” ever again

My emotions are either eruptive or nonexistent 

I self sabotage 

The same hand that I type this with is the hand you cupped around your “manhood” (I use that word sparingly because you are NOT a man in any true sense of the word)

The same mouth that I use to kiss my children good night is the one you defiled

I was four years old

A child

I knew nothing

I loved and trusted you

My parents loved and trusted you

And you f*cked all of us over

By f*cking (or shall we call it what it is, r*ping) me

By robbing me of my innocence and ripping it to shreds

Setting it ablaze

And smoking the vapors that remained

Do you even remember what you did to me? Do you even care?

Because other than the times I dissociate, I can never forget

I can still smell you

Still hear you

Still taste you

Still feel you

And it makes me sick

They say you’re not supposed to hate

I try not to even think about you, but when I do, trust me there’s no inklings of “Godly love” in my heart for you

I kinda wish you would die

Maybe you’re already dead

Which would be a blessing, because I can’t believe someone like you has daughters.

Daughters. You, the child molester.

You destroyed my life

And I understand that “indifference” is supposed to be what I’m striving for…

But right now

Today

I hate you

Everything about you

Every part of you

And everyone like you

Because people like you destroy lives

You definitely destroyed my life, you son of a b*tch.

Was it worth it?